Thanks to people.com for reminding me that there exists a land where someone is paid well to write things like this.

But sometimes they get it right, and here’s a delightful little commercial they did that you’ll probably never see on TV.

Per this article in the daily mail (there’s a video about it on Yahoo! too), it’s clear that the Segway has met its match.

Forget that you never bought a Segway, that you laugh at people whenever you see them riding them (including the cops… seriously, Robocop?) and get with the program: one wheel is where it’s at.

So start saving a ridiculous amount of money, because we’re soon to have another reason not to use our legs!

Thanks Honda, that looks reeeeeeal comfortable.

Homer: Yeah. About Princess Di.

Nothing about this looks anything but fictional to me. He’s been a cop in New Orleans for 20 years? Ok! And you can prove it with clips? Ok!

Unfortunately, we all know what Steven Segal looked like 20 years ago, and it was not a fat doof with a mullet. That is what he looks like now. So, these are not clips from the past 20 years. “But, the photo of him being sworn in is in black and white! It’s obviously very old!” NO! Check the mullet. The mullet won’t lie.

Still, I will watch this. Everyone will. It will win a Tony. They’ll make a special Tony for it. “Best televised musical without music  starring Steven Segal as a real pretend cop with a mullet.”

When I was in college, every hippie restaurant played Kind of Blue on repeat. It was uncanny. Did the Chamber of Commerce hand a copy out to every new business? “Just play this, and every asinine college kid who thinks he’s smart will bring girls to your place to talk about poetry.” And you know what? It worked.

The point is that I know it front to back. But I don’t know what to think about an 8-Bit tribute made by waxy.org‘s Andy Baio (No relation). Does it work? Yes and no. Kind of Blue is a textured yet straight forward jazz record, so it comes off well in 8-bit. But it’s also kind of dry, so this doesn’t seem very fun. Definitely not as fun as a Mario Paint version of Separate Ways.

Judge for yourself ad kindofbloop.com

via uncrate.

A

In this sequel to the 2005 film about British football hooligans, the Green Street Elite’s top players are in the slammer following an altercation with their archrivals — and they’re finding life behind bars even tougher than life on the field. Targeted by guards and fellow inmates, the Green Street mates soon find themselves in the most high-stakes football match of their careers in this drama helmed by Jesse V. Johnson.

So this is one part Green Street Hooligans (the name part), one part any number of fighting-in-jail movies, and one part The Longest Yard. Sounds great! And let’s not forget this:

they’re finding life behind bars even tougher than life on the field.

Yes. Prison is harder than soccer. Good work everybody.

30 seconds of bliss.

You should buy this, because it’s true. You should buy me one too.